Tuesday, April 5, 2016

March Pages

my mother died a few weeks ago...
gentle reader..
Immediately following the news, I sprained my wrist.. 
Yes, THAT wrist and so ...
unable to write, legibly ..draw with dexterity or type quickly,
 I was forced to sit and marinate in my feelings..

many of you know that my mother was an alcoholic..

 before you get all boo hoo-y on me, 
let me tell you, that
My mother and I had been estranged since 1994
It was my choice..
to simply hang up on her..
disconnecting from the chaos of alcoholism ...

a truth for me is that it is always easier to love someone unconditionally
when they are not in your physical experience..

My maternal family had a bipolar and alcoholic history..

My father's family was our sanctuary, 
they still, to this day do not understand what a haven, (a heaven really) they provided.. 
Safety, security, food, play and above all ...love. 
Without them, I am sure I would be a very different person than the woman I am today. 
the other thing that they provided us with was
 we understood at least unconsciously that not all mothers forgot to feed children,
  beat them, verbally abused them or failed to protect them.

It was years ago in therapy that I realized
that I intensely disliked butterflies and dragonflies..
I thought they were..
when a memory resurfaced...

the grade school science lab that I attended
 had several butterfly and bug specimens
and I remember just hating those collections...

you see...
  I identified with those tiny winged creatures
pinned to boards..
 their lack of freedom..
such fragile beings..

ingredients: paper ephemera, pencil, walnut ink, acrylic paint, colored pencils, tissue paper, safety pins, pen and ink, gel medium, gold leaf 
note: butterfly wings are hand drawn on tissue paper, with colored pencil, pen and ink and gold leaf.

If you have read my blog for any length of time,
you will know that
 freedom is often a reoccurring theme in my work... 

for me,
freedom and forgiveness are linked..

Forgiveness is a verb,
 it is active in my life.. because memories are triggered by the most insignificant things..
smells, words, sayings..
and forgiveness
it is a gift
 I give to myself.........
 It heals from the inside out
and I believe it is imperative in order to live a healthy life...
I think that without forgiveness, one cannot truly know freedom...

As always I am heartily grateful
 to you for your kind readership..